How Smart Are You?

Something I’ve come to learn over the years in my journey of self discovery is that there IS a difference between being smart and being intelligent. Now this may seem obvious to many, but to someone like me who had very low self-esteem, feeling stupid being part of it, it wasn’t obvious to me.

I was actually called stupid by my own mother for about 4 or 5 years. I do not even know why she started and then stopped. I just recall it being from about age 14 to 19. When I finally got up the courage to inquire as to WHY she did this, she actually had the nerve to tell me it was reverse psychology! Uhh…sorry…THAT plan backfired…

Because of the issues already going on, I was already struggling in high school to begin with…so add being called stupid to the mix and well…you’ve just got a whole bag of disaster going on! Needless to say, I didn’t get very good grades, nor did I really have any friends. I just never seemed to fit in, but that can be a whole different story!

I was at best, a low ‘C’ student in HS. I hated being there, but I went to escape my mother. And my only motivation to graduate was to be better than her. I even enrolled myself in the alternative program. If it hadn’t been for that, I don’t think I would have graduated. It wasn’t until many years later when I attended college and earned ‘A’ & ‘B’ grades that it finally dawned on me. I’M NOT STUPID! I’m pretty smart actually…and with my self esteem issues, I felt a little weird and uncomfortable even thinking this. I felt arrogant. But the fact is that I happen to have two very intelligent parents. Unfortunately the intelligence of one has been blurred by the alcohol.

Most people tend to classify people as just smart, or one of two other ways: book smart, and street smart. After the discovery of my own level of intelligence, I soon began to realize that there were people out there that I started to classify as smart or intelligent. It’s hard to really explain the difference, but in MY mind, the smart ones were the ones who had a certain level of common knowledge, and had average knowledge about most things. The intelligent ones were those who were just all around super smart. They have quite a bit of book smarts AND street smarts, and are not arrogant about their level of intelligence. I happen to know of people that aren’t necessarily book smart OR street smart! So how do you classify THOSE people?! There is one who I look at as being lower level smart with a lower level of common sense (and sometimes wonder if that is being too generous!).

Most of the time, I am analyzing the level of intelligence in the men I meet, as I’m sure all women do. I’ve met some very smart ones that have even taught me things, which is of course one of the biggest reasons for wanting an intelligent man. Also it’s nice to be able to actually hold an intelligent conversation with someone. And something I’ve noticed more recently: the lesser ones just don’t seem to get my damn humor!

I’ve met two men recently who are actually quite similar, but do have slightly different levels of intelligence. The first, whom I will refer to as man A – not that smart. But he likes to THINK he is, and even once told me that he likes to dumb himself down, so as not to let people on to his supposed smartness. Well I really hate to break it to you, but you’ve apparently dumbed yourself down SO much that you just couldn’t pull yourself back! He did not take well to ANY sort of help on subjects he wasn’t familiar with. You know, because you are apparently insulting his intelligence by insinuating that he might not actually know something…UGH! And he was also highly lacking emotional intelligence. Something that goes hand in hand with being intelligent.

And the second one – man B, is smart to at least some degree, although not sure on his level of intelligence, but this guy likes to use big words to impress upon you how damn smart he is…especially for a cook. (He told me about the “myth” of cooks not being very smart. Umm…I wasn’t aware of this supposed myth…sounds more like you are just insecure.)  When you attempt to inflate your actual intelligence, it ironically just makes you sound more stupid! Which I experienced with ‘A’ as well as ‘B’. I told ‘B’ that using words that the average person doesn’t understand makes him sound a little pretentious, which he then proceeded to define for me, along with the original word that I’d never heard of.

I don’t know if the similarities in these two has any merit on their intelligence (or lack of), but both have very obvious insecurities. They have spent a significant amount of time in prison which led to a lower level of social skills. These very obvious insecurities is the driving force behind their desperate need to prove themselves.

Either you’re smart or you’re not. This is where education comes in. I am somewhat educated, although still VERY ignorant when it comes to certain subjects, especially politics. There is no shame in not knowing something. If you don’t know it, LEARN IT! I am not a very good book learner, which is why I would rather be taught. Which is part of why I want an intelligent man in my life. I want someone who can teach me things. And I could probably teach them a few things as well. :-)

Not long ago, I tried to pose the question to my Facebook friends as to whether people with different levels of intelligence could sustain a long term relationship. I guess that depends on the individuals involved. I personally know from experience, that I can NOT be with a man that has less intelligence than myself. And it doesn’t help that I grew up in the bush, and have always been a little different than most girls. So I tend to have a bit of a different mindset along with a varied skillset.

Fortunately, I have also had the good fortune to meet intelligent men, so I have something in which to make comparisons. My father is quite intelligent. Unlike other girls, I tend to compare most men to him. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I have always made the best choices for partners. I now realize that there are many contributors to the very poor choices I’ve made, one of them being that the men of this generation seem to be lacking some basic elements that made a man a man back in the old days. These days, it’s hard to find a man. Most of what we are dealing with are boys. Boys that THINK they are men. Maybe because they’ve been to prison. Or fathered a child. Or several. Or they are gangsta. And unlike most women, I myself have fallen victim to these fake men. They are overgrown teenagers in a man’s body. They may be charming, or tell you the things you want to hear, but if you really pay attention, you will see the telltale signs on whether he is a man, or a boy. Real men KNOW they are men. They don’t NEED to prove themselves. They do it naturally, without even trying.

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Posted by on March 12, 2015 in Growing Up, Struggle


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Another Odd…Spring?

So we’re having yet ANOTHER odd winter here in the great north. Unseasonably warm temps, and barely any snow to speak of…but that’s because it’s all down in Boston apparently. On the one hand, I am rather tired of all the snow…shoveling it, driving in it, walking in it…yet, it’s also the one thing that gives Alaska it’s serene beauty in the winter. Growing up in Kodiak, I never really knew what an actual winter was! It wasn’t until I was 18 and just north of Anchorage, that I finally understood the meaning of ‘Winter Wonderland’. Snow EVERYWHERE! And I’m not talking when the roads are wet and there’s nasty brown snow all over. But immediately after a good snowfall, when everything is covered and the snow glistens in the sun, or even the moonlight on a crisp, clear night. But with Boston stealing our snow :-), we’ve been deprived of it. I know the devout riders are not too thrilled about the lack of snow, but I am actually enjoying the warmer weather since I’m not fond of the cold anymore.

My only hope is that we don’t get suddenly dumped on and actually get all that snow we SHOULD have been getting for the last 4 months! I will be just fine with the way things are going. I am very much looking forward to the warm weather. :D

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Posted by on March 3, 2015 in THIS. Is My Life.


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2015. THIS. Will Be My Year. (I Hope!)

Somewhat into January, I started thinking more positively, that this should FINALLY be my year! I have had such a difficult time in years past, especially since returning to Alaska, that I have gotten progressively more discouraged. I’ve also been prone to depression, which just adds to the severity of my discouragement. Or I guess you could say that’s the whole reason behind it. Anyone who struggles with depression truly understands how difficult it can be to see any kind of hope, or light at the end of the tunnel.

2014 wasn’t a half bad year. Although I ended up with yet ANOTHER very difficult employer that I felt trapped by because she paid pretty well, and of course I really needed the money. I ended up getting a lead from my previous dock boss for work at a new cannery, but they didn’t have enough work for me to leave the other job, but they more or less hired me immediately because my boss had put in a good word for me. Awww…makes me feel pretty good. I did a few halibut off loads, and even got to fly up to Anchorage to pick up the crew van and drive it down to the peninsula. It wasn’t long after getting hired that I quit the other job. It was making me MISERABLE!

Eventually, the off loads worked into almost full time labor around the cannery in preparation for the upcoming season. Although I was originally intending to return to the dock as a fish sorter for my old boss, I ended up sliding into housekeeping supervisor. And my oldest daughter worked for me. The previous year she worked with me as well, and we ended up being entertainment. Lol So that job made me more money in the last 3 months (I was there a total of 6) than what most of these other jobs did, or WOULD have, if I’d stuck it out with them long term.

And now I’m in yet ANOTHER miserable job! And I had one before this. Stocking. It was an easy job, but BORING! I don’t know why I had such a hard time just sucking it up, because the benefits of that job was 30 hrs/wk, 2 breaks, a 1/2 hour lunch, and consistent hours and days. Most of which I do NOT get at my current job. In an 8 hr shift, you get two 15 minute breaks. If you’re lucky, you can have them both for one half hour break. I don’t have the same days off, or anything even CLOSE to a consistent schedule! I have met some very cool co-workers, and even a customer or two. But the job itself is wearing on my last nerve. It was never meant to be permanent, but I never imagined how much I would grow to detest it. Yesterday I didn’t feel good because I hadn’t slept well the night before (3 hrs of sleep), and began feeling nauseated, yet the assistant mgr more or less said I couldn’t leave before the end of my shift due to the small staff on hand and the day. And how the hell is that MY problem?! So you’d rather I stand here sick just so that you don’t have one less checker? The crazy ass lady is the only one who was even nice enough to call someone else in. Ended up leaving only a couple of hours early, but sure felt better once I did!

While I suffer at this job, I am just in waiting for the cannery again. Although when I spoke to my boss, naturally I assumed that I would go right back to my previous position since I’d had so many compliments on how well my daughter and I did. Even during the two months that we were sicker than shit (catching and re-catching the cold shit going around), we STILL did better than anyone else had ever done! But he seems to feel like another person may be better suited to it, and that I may be better suited to something ELSE…but he hasn’t yet told me WHAT. I’m not even sure if HE knows yet. And with all the crap going on, he may not even really be thinking much about it. My only hope is that he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t try to put me into some crap ass job that I will either have to suffer through, or pass on and figure something else out.

Going back to the cannery is supposed to be a big financial boost, to help get us off this damn wheel! I am feeling like a hamster going around in circles. No matter how many times I try, I just can’t seem to get off of it. I’ll be right back to finding work after the season again, but this time I can start looking sooner. Last year, I just wasn’t in a hurry.

Last December in my current job, I was called in to work on my day off to fill in for a 4 hour shift in a different dept, and there was a particular customer that came in that day, and happened to come in two days later when I was filling in again. That’s when I told him that I was filling in, and usually in a different dept. A couple of days later, he came to see me. Then he disappeared for a while. Finally showed up a few weeks later. Then I only saw him sporadically. Long story short, we finally connected outside of work, and from what I’ve learned so far, I’m thinking that he might become very significant this year…time will tell.

My 3rd child will graduate HS in May. I’m not sure how I feel about this because I don’t know where her path will take her after, and it’s already kind of weird being short a daughter. When this one was absent for her first semester of her sophomore year, that was strange. But she will be the 3rd one graduating and becoming an adult. And whenever she decides to venture out on her own, I will be left with one child. And the fall will bring the start of HS for my 4th child. I’m not even sure I can visualize what it would be like with only her at home. I had so many kids for so long, that it was what I was used to. Beginning to feel what the empty nest syndrome is like. When my son left, it was more of a blessing. We were still butting heads and it was more peaceful without him because all I did was scream at him for not taking out the trash or doing the dishes, and to stay the hell off his computer.

So these are the major events I expect this year so far. We will see what the year actually brings.

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Posted by on March 2, 2015 in Struggle, THIS. Is My Life.


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Exploring My Spiritual Side

So I have a couple of friends who are far more religious than myself, one of which has been “gently” teaching me more about the world of the Bible. I say gently because it’s still pretty confusing to me, and he’s been slowly easing me into it. And my girlfriend just ordered me a Bible (Holy Bible Woman Thou Art Loosed! Edition) which arrived yesterday. Although I’ve been pretty resistant to delving into all this religious stuff, I’ve always been spiritual and believed in God. And I never found a church I was comfortable with, and finally decided that I didn’t need to attend services to show that I believed in his existence. And I always found the Bible to be COMPLETELY confusing! I have been wanting to find a kid’s version that would actually make it easier for me to comprehend. The Bible in it’s true form is like word problems. I could never figure the damn things out! So I get frustrated and give up. So now I have this new version of the Bible, and the guidance of two very good friends.

And after a few years of having this book, I’ve finally committed to reading this book every night before bed (because of my OCD, I couldn’t bring myself to start in the middle of the year!), Simple Abundance A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It has an entry a day about discovering our true authentic self. I don’t know that I’ve necessarily LOST my true self, but there was a time when I’d hide it from strangers, and even parts of it from people I know. As I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, I’ve learned not to care so much. With all that life throws at us, I just haven’t had TIME to be my authentic self. I think that due to the bond with my daughters, and my best friend, that they are the ONLY ones who REALLY know me.

For many years, I’ve been on a path of self discovery. I’m proud to say that I’ve come a LONG way from who I once was. I guess my time to shine is meant to come at a later phase in my life, unlike all these successful people we see making it early on. I always envied and admired them, and wished I could be like them. I’ve even been guilty of self pity, wondering why the hell I got stuck with MY life. I may not be just like them, which has probably served me well in my life, because my life journey has been unlike most. One thing I learned many years ago, is that no matter how miserable I’ve been, or how much I wished I had a different life, THIS life IS the life that I was meant to have, and has made me EXACTLY who I was meant to be.

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Posted by on February 21, 2015 in THIS. Is My Life.


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Has It REALLY Been THAT Long?!

I knew I’d slacked off quite a bit, but didn’t realize quite HOW much until now! I was really trying to make an effort to be consistent. But life happened. And my life is never short of…let’s say adventure. :-) I thought that my last post was sometime shortly before summer when we REALLY got busy at the cannery I worked at. I started in March, but the main part of the season was June through Aug. I’ll talk about that more later.

I have really been delving deeper into my journey of self discovery more so now than ever, so I want to share those insights, thoughts, etc, along the way. I want this to be my year. I feel better about making the changes necessary to get off the hamster wheel and better my life finally.

So I hope that you all have a bit of patience with me as I inconsistently blog about random things in my life. :D

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Posted by on February 15, 2015 in THIS. Is My Life.


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Spring Break-up. In the Middle of Winter.

So I don’t know how many of you have been keeping up with the rather unusual weather we’ve been having as of late. And I’m not just talking up here in Alaska. The entire country seems to be in some sort of strange weather lock. It seems that the lower 48 is getting our normal winter, and we are in the middle of a heat wave of sorts! It’s like we are having spring break-up in the middle of winter!

I spent 15 years on the outside, and even in the previous three winters since I’ve returned to Alaska, it was still snowing and freezing at this time of the year. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that our temp has actually increased by 45 degrees! And that was when it was still below freezing! We went from -20 to 25 in a matter of weeks. And now it’s actually been in the 40’s! And as high as 50 in some areas! Geez.

I must admit that while I enjoy the warmer temps for several reasons, such as heating costs, how much gas I burn warming up my truck, and the obvious – not freezing my butt off when I go outside, the steady stream of rain we’ve had is NOT as favorable! Ok, it IS making the roads much nicer to drive by clearing them of ice. And since it hasn’t been dipping below freezing, that also means the absence of black ice as well. But while that might be a great reason to love all the rain, it has made some side roads and parking lots like off-road play areas!

I live in a shop yard, and all the snow turned to ice, then the rain made holes and soft spots that made navigating the lot an adventure in itself! The rain has smoothed it out some, but that has made it even more dangerous! My daughters have to tread very carefully to the road to get to the bus in the morning. Between smooth ice and puddles, it makes for a blood pumping start to the day! LOL

We are left wondering if this current trend will continue, or if we will snap back into our usual pattern. If that happens, we will go back to the brisk weather, and perhaps one last snow storm before the REAL spring break-up, which I for one, am GREATLY looking forward to!

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Posted by on January 27, 2014 in Alaskan Life


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Awesome Holiday Surprise

Ok…you’re probably wondering why I’m posting about this when Christmas was weeks ago. The truth is, I forgot, and since I’ve been absent for a while, other than the last couple of posts, it didn’t even occur to me to write about how we fared over the holidays.

My oldest daughter has been living in Anchorage. She came very close to moving back home, but due to a very odd stroke of luck, a job came through at the last minute. She was ready to come back, but stayed an extra week to spend time with a friend, It was during this time that she interviewed and got the job!

Because the drive is three hours each way, along with several other factors like that I just got my truck back less than two mos prior, she doesn’t have a vehicle, and neither of us had the money to fly her here, we were bummed that she wasn’t going to be with us, especially since it would be her first Christmas away from home and she was facing spending it with people she doesn’t really know, or alone.

My older sister invited us to come over for Christmas Eve dinner, along with our dad and younger sister. We weren’t even sure if my dad would make it because he hasn’t been too thrilled my younger sister. Of course I was really hoping that he would be willing to ride with her. And with my dad there, that was more reason for my daughter to come back. My kids don’t get to spend much time with him.

The other two girls and I went, and I was happy that my dad did ride along with my sister. Shortly after we arrived, my other sister and her husband ran off to pick up their truck. Or so it would seem…

She returned and then we were waiting on her husband to start eating. My youngest daughter started acting all weird, and my sister told her to just calm down. Once I was back on my stool in the kitchen, there was some sort of commotion that I don’t quite recall, which prompted me to turn around to someone standing behind me. The first thing I saw was an unrecognizable sweatshirt. Then I looked up to some wrapping paper hood…AAAAGGHHH!! OMG! IT’S MY WHEETEES!

Guess I don’t have to explain how fricken excited…no, ecstatic, that she was there. Apparently, my sister had sent her a message that morning asking her if she wanted to spend Christmas with her family, to call her. So they flew her down and she got to spend about a day and a half with us before I had to drive her back at 6a the morning after Christmas. That was the BEST surprise ever!

Aside from that, the four of us had a pretty good day sitting here opening gifts. I even had a few surprises myself. Takes all the fun out of it when you already know what everything is.

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Posted by on January 19, 2014 in THIS. Is My Life.


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